Junk Drawer
Oct 11, 2023
Truth is, I probably have some idea of what's gotten into me.
I mean, a few things, probably.
But one of them… I've had some time this week to take little breaks here and there from work. Not long enough to step away from my computer, but long enough to not focus on the work… So, I've been slowly categorizing letters. And editing them, a bit. Mostly misspellings, wonky whitespace… nothing of substance. But I am reading them — all of them, every word — and earlier this week, I got to Summer 2022. And the start of the AManOfRefinedTaste and Cardboardshrubbery era.
Oh. Yeah.
I had almost forgotten a few of those existed.
Goodness.
I was in some kind of a mood for a while there.
And, at some point yesterday afternoon, I got to the letter that had the most upvotes of any posting I have ever done on reddit from any account — throwaway, “normy”, or otherwise.
Goodness.
I mean, I didn't forget that one existed, lol.
And here is where I say for the hundred billionth time… I know you aren't here, and so it really doesn't matter, but if you were… Pretty much every word I have ever written to you is a true representation of my desires.
But none of it is necessary.
I just want you. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to engage with that beautiful mind of yours every chance I can. I want to talk to you. I want to listen to you talk. That's it. Anything you're willing to give me beyond that would be a bonus. Extra credit.
So I guess I keep harping on about that because… on the off chance you somehow magically are here and have read all of this garbage, and especially if you've read some of the more… um… ya know… And it's just… not you, or not your thing, or whatever… Or, like… if what she told me a few months ago that you told her is true… Well, I'm afraid you might be worried that you'll disappoint me.
You won't disappoint me.
You could never disappoint me.
We aren't even together yet in any way, shape, or form, and yet you have already exceeded my most hopeful expectations.
Seriously.
So never worry about that. Ever. You are what I want. You — the real you, the you I'm slowly getting to know, the you I have actual real conversations with. The you I want to drink coffee with, watch movies with, talk with endlessly, just… be around as much as I possibly can be, you. These fantasies… they infect my mind once every few weeks. The need to talk to you is constant. Every day, every night, every breath I take. I never, ever, ever stop longing to talk to you. That you that I get to talk to, that's the you that matters to me. Not the kinky sex goddess I've invented out of whole cloth in the darkest corners of my mind.
You.
And, who knew reading my own words would have such a significant impact on me?
Maybe those ones are for me, after all, lol.
Well, it's as I've said before. Regardless of where you stand on any of it, the real goal (aside from just getting the thoughts out of my skull) is to make you feel desired. And I'm reasonably sure those letters would accomplish that, if you saw them, even if none of it is your thing. I hope, anyways. 🤞
In completely unrelated news, I miss you. A lot. A whole fucking lot. Exchanging waves with you while I pass by your house is nice, but… it's been a really, really long time since it's been enough. I need your voice. I need to hear your thoughts. I need to know what's going on with you. How you're feeling. What's on your mind.
I miss you.
Man, I can't freakin' wait for the neighborhood Halloween party. I guess you've changed course on your costume a couple of times at this point, which is absolutely understandable. I'm dying to see what you end up with. I'm certain it's going to be spectacular, whatever it ends up being, whether it's store-bought or hand assembled or whatever. It'll be you. In a costume.
I'm going to love it.
(side note: I was probably already predisposed to like the idea of cosplay, but I don't think it was until the “If I had known that…” moment that it became… um… a thing, for me. lol.)
(…and the Leeloo and (shocking, to me) police office costumes really managed to hammer that particular nail well and truly into place…)
(…oh how I wish I had gotten to see the Leeloo one in person… it probably could have created this mood all on its own, all in one go… and, boy… taking you out of it……… ugh, sorry, there I go again, lol…)
Maybe a weird thing for me to say, to you of all people especially, but… I hope you (and a few others) end up recognizing her custome. She was a little dispirited after sharing the idea with her coworkers and only a handful knew it. I mean… it's from an Oscar winning film, so you would think… but… 🤷♂️
Alright. Back to work! I hope you are having the most beautiful of days.
I love you.
Yours,
♒️